I’m going to sleep. This year can’t end soon enough. Wake me up in 2012.

10 minutes later: Ok, I take that back. There is NO WAY I’m going to start a new year with a house this messy or an attitude this bad. I better get to work.

40 minutes later: Dishwasher is running, living room and diningroom are clean, kids are still awake but behaving surprisingly well. Back to work.

Only a few hours remain in this year! THANK GOD!

As we slowly drag ourselves across the finish line of 2005, let me offer a month by month review of my life and Gentlewhisper.com.

I posted 719 times in 2005, here are a few of the memorable moments:

January
Number 5 is Alive! - Remembering “Number 5″ in the movie Short Circuit, I declared this year’s motto to be, “Alive in 2005.” - Goodness, we barely made it out alive!
Patience - Patience was the first step towards really living in 2005.

February
Jami started blogging!
I spent most of February obsessed with Sarah’s artistic ability.

March
Charleigh and Judi started blogging!
Stuck in a little mediocrity muck, I decided to use some Goo Gone then suggested that we all Stop and Smell the Roses.

April
Jeremiah turned four and I turned 28.
I fell in love with the Springfield Cardinals and wrote about little else for the rest of the season.
We first heard from my amazing friend Debbie.
I was attacked by an Electrically altered ant army bent on world domination.
Productivity or the lack there of seemed to be a big issue: 45 Minutes, Dead Batteries, My Day.

May
The Great Park Adventure began.
I wrote about some ‘weighty’ issues.
Mother’s Day inspired a rant.
Our friendship with Ron Davis began when I mentioned that one of his blog posts drives me crazy… and he commented back.
Hillery started to blog.
I wrote WAY too much about my temporary hearing loss which inspired the timeless quote, “ringing like Rome the day they picked Pope Joe.”
I remembered Evangel University’s building 31-1.
And of course, I obsessed over the Springfield Cardinals.

June
We celebrated our ten year wedding anniversary.
I ranted about The Message.
Still obsessed with the Springfield Cardinals.
A tornado chased us.
We learned about Jeremiah’s cookie garden.
The Lazy Susan sign went up.
I went to camp.
Joel got some guys out of a burning house.
Mark started blogging.

July

With Messy Reflections, and Poetic ramblings, July seemed impossible, I had NO IDEA what was coming!
Dave and Kelly moved to Costa Rica.
I started posting the word of the day.
Joel wrote on the wall… this will mean more later.

August
I ranted, “Please people, be a little parsimonious with your punctuation.”
I explained Why I Write.
Jeremiah kept asking questions, questions, questions, and more questions.
Our restaurant opened and our grandpa died.
The stress got to me a bit. - I worried about losing our house…
Grandpa’s funeral turned out to be a retreat. I rambled on about the trip.
I confessed that “sometimes I want to whack my forehead against the sharp edge of my desk.”
Having no idea the road we were about to take, I asked, “Are we there yet?”
I went crazy.

September
There were too many Katrina posts to mention.
The Springfield Cardinals baseball season ended.
Jeremiah started preschool and Sarah turned three.
I wrote about death and saying goodbye.
Sarah spent her birthday money on brick houses and something to drink.
I ran away from home. - Maybe this is why Parents magazine interviewed me about stress.
We changed Sarah’s middle name.
Joel pulled two guys out of a burning car.
We celebrated Discardia.
Apparently, I didn’t pay enough attention to my children.

October
We went to St. Louis to celebrate Joel’s birthday.
I finally met Debbie in person. [Apparently we met earlier, but I didn't know who she was.]
I rambled on and on about Narnia.
Jeremiah declared that birthday parties are naughty… Sarah vowed to get even.
Evangel University turned fifty.
I reviewed the Mypod… You might not have noticed, but I sold a ton of these on eBay. Oh yeh, my coffee habit is paying for itself.
I was “a little down lately, a little stressed, a little overwhelmed.” - Maybe that’s why I quoted Ps 118:24 again…
I learned that Joel might go to Iraq and announced that he was going to officer basic training in South Carolina.
I had to censor my posts… it drove me crazy.
I explained why my posts lacked substance.
Road Trip to South Carolina… 8 post series including, “Words Hurt” a post that was password protected until today.
Day one of single parenthood.

November
I’m amazed I even survived this month. It began with me declaring, “I don’t know how to fix it.”
Needing encouragement, I introduced F5 - Refresh.
We witnessed a nightmare on the playground.
On the fifth, I began to rant, “Christmas Already?”
A post titled, “Years from now” foreshadowed the restaurant’s closing. So did this one.
The restaurant closed. I posted excerpts from a week of emails.
After six years at our previous church, I started attending Central Assembly.
I heard Our Song on the radio and decided that I didn’t hate my husband.
I’m doing the best I can became my constantly repeated motto.
Music became my Hiding Place.
There was an article about us in the Nixa Newspaper
Mom and Jami kept my kids for two weeks. I missed my babies! Sarah said we were Torn apart.
Debt overwhelmed me.

December
Trying to get rid of that debt, I ordered the Money Makeover books.
I wrote about my cell phone addiction and saw the Narnia movie.
I’m Not Perfect became my theme song.
I started posting Army Chaplain Links without mentioning why.
Jeremiah performed in his first Christmas program.
Joel came home for Christmas.
My Papa died.
Comfort Food still makes me uncomfortable.
I decided to become a Chaplain.
I explained my interest in the military and my call into the ministry.
I compiled this terribly long list!

My son just watched me throw up continuously… and do you know what he said when I finally stopped?

“Mommy, I’m hungry!” Is there nothing that can slow down that boy’s appetite?

I’m working on a couple more Chapliancy related posts. One about how I came to my decison and another about the actual process involved in becoming a chaplain candidate.

I’m too tired to write anymore about it tonight. I’m too tired to breathe, or make coffee, or parent. I’m tired of pretending to be a single mom, and tired of being in debt, and tired of having such a messy house, and tired of living in crisis mode for so long.

I haven’t slept much over the last month. I’ve been up late each night researching the Chaplaincy and I’ve woken up each morning having dreamt about it. The indecision wore me out. And now I’ve finally decided. I should be really excited… I would be… But really I just need a nap. When I wake up, I’ll go back to filling out five or six applications… Hopefully they’ll take me.

I said my next Chaplaincy post would be about the the decision process.  I need to give a little background first. This means using Christian Jargon with words like Call, Ministry and Brother…

Military or Ministry?

When I was little, I daydreamed about being an officer in the military. I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone this until now.  It seemed silly.

As a freshman in high school, I planned on attending the the Air Force Academy. To meet the academic requirements, I got special permission to take extra science and English classes during my Sophomore year. Trying to improve my physical condition, I’d run down the front road leading from the Oklahoma/Texas state line to our house.

Sometime during that school year, my parents invited a missionary family to stay a few days at our house. That brief visit with Craig and Jadine Fritzler and their beautiful daughters left an indelible mark on my soul. Not long after, I felt an undeniable calling to the ministry. That summer, I spent a life changing week at a Full Gospel youth camp in Wyandotte, Oklahoma. During the Wednesday lunch service, “Brother Freddie” spoke about being called into the ministry. My heart burned within me. I KNEW that he was talking to me… That God was calling me.

Instead of the military, I would go into the ministry.

I got back to school that fall and changed my schedule. I didn’t need those extra science classes after all. Instead of going to the Air Force Academy, I decided to attend a bible college. [I stopped running down that front road too.]

I majored in Biblical Studies at Evangel University and graduated in 1999.

My last semester at Evangel included 19 credits of upper level theology and philosophy. It was too much. Overwhelmed and burnt out, I decided to take a little time off before starting my Masters program at the Assemblies of God Theological Seminary.

Six years later.

I still haven’t taken a class at AGTS. Over the years, I’ve spent time in various ministries; small groups, women’s ministries, writing etc. But I’ve spent most of my time NOT "being in the ministry."  That is a terribly uncomfortable place to be.

Knowing that I’m not doing what I’m supposed to do just eats away at my spirit.  It hurts my relationship with God.  And when that relationship is lacking it makes me feel less equipped to minister… So I don’t… which makes me feel further from God… which …well it’s a terrible cycle.  And I’m so very tired of it.

Once or twice a year since graduating from Evangel, I would think of joining the Army Reserves as a chaplain. I thought it was a great way to pay for seminary, and a cool job to have one weekend a month, I’d visit GoArmy.com and mention the idea to Joel.  I never got past that last step.  Joel wasn’t in favor of the idea.  Our kids were too young.  Having both of us in the Army Reserves was too risky. Since I knew Joel wouldn’t approve, I never let myself think too seriously about being a chaplain.

On December 1st, Joel called me from Fort Jackson and suggested that maybe I could become an Army Chaplain.  I contacted a recruiter that day and spent the next four weeks making a decision… But of course, that’s tomorrow’s post.

P.S. Last week, I ran down the front road that leads to my parent’s house.

I have decided to become an Army Chaplain Candidate.

This has not been an easy decision, nor will it be an easy process.

I am only just beginning the journey. I haven’t put on a uniform or signed any papers.

So far, all I’ve done is prayed, researched, gathered applications, talked to a recruiter, emailed other chaplains, done a few pushups and given my babies lots of kisses so they’ll have extras for days that we’re apart.

I will record the steps I take here.

Have you noticed my list of “lenses” on the right sidebar? Those are Squidoo lenses.

What’s a Squidoo lense?

“A lens is one person’s (lensmaster’s) view on a topic he cares about. More specifically, a lens is a single web page filled with information and links that point to other web pages, to continually updated RSS feeds, or to relevant advertising. It’s a place to start, not finish. “

I was a part of the “small private group” which participated in the Squidoo beta test. [Yeh, don't I feel special...] Finally they’ve gone public. Which means you get to see all of my wonderful lenses and make some of your own.