I have two notebooks that I sometimes scribble in when I’m praying or feel I can’t write my true thoughts here. There have been occasions over the last few months that caused me to censor myself.

Either I couldn’t talk about the restaurant potentially closing, or I didn’t want everyone to know I was crazy… whatever the reason, I chose not to publish certain ramblings back in October.

I’m now going through these notebooks and posting a few entries. They won’t show up on the front page because I’m posting them under the date they were originally written. Feel no compulsion to comment. I’m just posting them here for me, because I tend to lose notebooks.

Written at the mention of Iraq

A prayer about fear and shame

Angry

Three months ago I wrote this in my journal while reading Romans. I used the word “scared” three times and “fear” twice in only three lines of text.

I put the notebook aside and didn’t write in it again, until yesterday:

“Three months later God… I’m still scared. The debt, fear, uncertainty. They’re overwhelming. Uncertainty seems like an understatement.

Three months ago, I had no idea what difficulties lay between then and now.

We’ll be in South Carolina for another three months. I have no idea what happens after that.

What is this time in between? Purgatory? A park bench offering a moment of rest and a chance to catch my breath? Preparation? If so, let me not waste it. Two weeks have come and gone. Wasted? Let me not waste another day.”

I woke up this morning looking forward to enjoying a cup of the coffee I roasted late last night. I walked into the kitchen and saw the beans still in the roaster. I had forgotten to take them out and put them in an air tight container. Drat! They stayed there all night getting stale.

I actually heard myself tell the children, “I’m so disappointed in myself for ruining the coffee.” WHAT? Did I really just put myself down for something as silly as coffee? Please. I need to cut myself just a little slack!

I’ve been looking forward to receiving my seminary acceptance letter. I need it NOW so that I can get the next paperwork process started and get a seat at the Army chaplain school this summer. I got an email from AGTS this morning. Apparently there was a glitch in the online application system. The web site tells me my application was submitted. They never got it. The application has been lost in cyberspace for weeks… getting stale.

I’m so disappointed in myself for not confirming that they got it…. Oh yeh, hmm… maybe I’ll cancel the self-criticism and go have another cup of coffee.

We’re living in the same building as the officers attending the Chaplain Officer Basic Course. [CHOBC]

I haven’t had the chance to ask any of them what CHOBC is like. Imagine how excited I was to find this blog:

Lydes Amazing Adventures in the Armys Chaplain School.

He sounds like he’s having a great time. But he’s a marathon runner… and I am… NOT. After reading his account of the first month of CHOBC… I think I need to work out more… a lot more… right now in fact.
—
A note from one of my supporters:

The idea of military school for boys is not always for everyone. There are many specialty private schools that offer great programs for kids.

Last week evaporated into nothingness leaving only six posts as evidence.
Here’s a pointless review:

–All Week–
I was ill and Sarah was… challenging. I got a prescription and will feel better soon… Sarah will still be three.

–Tuesday–
Feeling sorry for myself and crying onto my keyboard. A perfectly timed email arrives in my inbox and dries my tears. Thank God for good friends.

–Friday–
January 27. Joel and I started dating 13 years ago.

Joel spent the day in the field doing Land Nav… in the rain. Land Nav = Wandering around in the woods with a map and compass.

–Saturday–
Remembering the Challenger.
Where were you 20 years ago? Here’s a related post I wrote when we lost the Shuttle Columbia.

Another trip to the Riverside Zoo.
Beautiful day. Sunny and 65.

Time for a meaningless meme. I found this Frivolous Friday Four list at La Shawn Barber’s Corner.

Here’s my list:

Four Jobs I’ve Had in My Life:

1. Prairie Dog exterminator… [oh the shame.]
2. Fence Painter
3. Pharmacy Technician
4. University Web Editor
   

Four Movies I Have Watched Over and Over:

1. Field of Dreams
2. Hunt for Red October
3. Oscar
4. Dirty Dozen
   

Four Places I Have Lived:

1. Gunnison, Colorado
2. Perkins Prothro Ranch, Oklahoma
   
3. Springfield, Missouri
4. Columbia, South Carolina
   

Four TV Shows I Love To Watch:

1. Science of the Bible - National Geographic Channel
   
   
2. Unwrapped - Food TV
3. The Best Of - Food TV
4. $40 Dollars a Day - Food TV
   

Four Places I Have Been On Vacation:

1. Puerto Penasco, Mexico  [Road Trip!]
   
2. Taos, NM
   
3. Colorado Springs, CO
4. Eureka Springs, AR
   

Four Websites I Visit Daily: [I'd visit yours daily if you updated it more... you know who I'm talkin to.]

1. Michelle Malkin
2. La Shawn Barber
3. Life Hacker
4. Bible in 90 Days
   

Four Favorite Foods:

1. Pizza… I know, I know… how unusual… I can’t help myself
2. Cheese
   
3. Chicken Enchiladas
4. Buffalo Wild Wings.
   

Four Places I Would Rather Be Right Now:

1. Springfield, Mo [Home.  Friends.]
   
2. New Beginnings Retreat Center near Channing, TX [Parents and sisters and various other family members.]
   
3. West Plains, Mo [Jami Cook]
   
4. SPRINGFIELD, MO.
   

Four People I Am Tagging With This Meme:

1. I’m so against the tagging thing… so the first four people who do this and comment with a link will be listed here.
   

Several months ago, Sarah overheard me talking to Jeremiah about the crucifixion of Jesus. We didn’t know she was listening. I was explaining Christ’s death on the cross in a way that my logical little man would understand… not the way I’d tell it to my emotional little girl.

I looked up and saw Sarah crying. She had heard everything. She cried, “Somebody hurt my Jesus!” Jeremiah and I could not console her. She had heard that Jesus died and she was heart broken. Having no idea how to make her stop crying, I asked Jeremiah what we should do. He suggested that we let her watch a video about Jesus. Desperate, I searched through our old VHS tapes and found a copy of the Jesus film still wrapped in cellophane.

I held them and explained parts while we watched it together. I couldn’t believe I was letting such young children watch this movie. It’s not Mel Gibson’s The Passion or anything, but the crucifixion scene is still a little too much for a two year old to watch.

Jeremiah and Sarah insisted on watching the movie every night before going to bed. Once, Joel was watching the baseball playoffs and had to watch the Jesus movie instead. How could he tell his little children, “No, I want to watch baseball instead of Jesus…”

Sarah’s fascination with the movie shocked me. She refuses to watch Veggie Tales because there are scary parts, but she’ll watch the Jesus movie? With the storm, the demon possessed guy and Jesus on the cross? That has got to be more frightening than the feather wielding grim reaper who takes Mr. Lunt and the French Peas to the Island of Perpetual Tickling…

Sarah dramatically retells various scenes in the film to whoever will listen. I’ve often wished I had a children’s version of the story, but I never looked for one. I didn’t want to spend the money.

Late last night, Sarah finally realized that we didn’t bring her “Jesus Video” with us to South Carolina. I searched online to see if we could order a copy. Even better. Not only can you watch the movie online… but they have a children’s version!