This is an explanation of things I dealt with in December 2005. I’m not currently worrying about any of it.
I mentioned earlier that deciding to become an Army Chaplain was not easy. It took four weeks of praying, researching, talking, praying, calling, instant messaging, crying, doubting, praying…
I had a lot of questions. I talked to friends. Some were surprisingly supportive. Others were just as upset at the idea as I expected. Still others didn’t really say anything at all. Silent disapproval perhaps? For everyone, there was one major cause for concern.
My children
Being away from my babies. That is what took me four weeks to deal with.
I’m not going to be shipped off to Iraq next week. When I become an Army Chaplain Candidate, I will NOT be deployable until after I graduate and get ordained. That is at least 4 1/2 years from now. My little ones won’t be so little by then. They’ll be eight and nine.
I will have to be apart from them sooner though. I’ll have to go to Chaplain Officer Basic. That’s a 13 week school that can be completed in two summers. If all the paperwork goes through in time, I’ll be in Fort Jackson for at least six weeks this summer.
Sarah is not excited about this. Believe me, she knows exactly how far “Soft Carolina” is from Springfield.
I believe that if God is calling me to be an Army Chaplain then he will take care of my kids. He loves them more than I do.
A retired chaplain encouraged me by saying, “This is God’s problem, not yours. Trust Him to take care of your children as you are faithful to Him.”
[Slightly related reading: Genesis 22: 1-9]
Money
A friend warned me to, “Know for sure that it’s God, and not your fear of your financial future that is pushing you in this direction.”
I understand why she made this suggestion. Obviously money is an issue to us right now. We’re terribly in debt and the Army pays well.
But I believe I’m more scared of leaving my kids or going to war than I am of being in debt. If it was about the money, I would be looking at other options.
There are a lot easier ways to make a living! It’s not about the money.
Convenience
Is becoming a Chaplain just the convenient choice since my husband is going to be spending a lot of time in the military? I can’t afford seminary without the Army and other ministries don’t pay nearly as well?
Convenient? How is joining the Army convenient? I have to go to school for 4 years and be away from my kids for months at a time. Run, do sit-ups and be willing to go to war. Convenient ministry would be leading a moms group at whatever base the Army moves us to.
OK, so I’m not leaning toward chaplaincy because it’s the easy option. That’s for sure.
Comfort
According to Newton, “An object at rest tends to stay at rest.”
I have been “at rest” for a long time now. Deciding to join the Army, go back to school and make a commitment that changes the rest of my life is not comfortable. This isn’t just a job I can take and quit if I change my mind. There isn’t a two weeks notice option. This is serious.
But then again, I haven’t been that comfortable lately anyway. Not doing what you’re supposed to be doing is very uncomfortable.
Can I do this? Can I be a mom and a full time grad student? Can I be away from my family that long? Can I be a chaplain? An officer, pastor, counselor, soldier? Am I able? Am I adequate?
When God told Moses to bring his people out of Egypt, Moses offered up a lot of excuses. He said,
“What if they do not believe me?”
“O Lord, I have never been eloquent.”
“Please send someone else to do it.”
Do you know how God felt about Moses’ response?
“Then the LORD’s anger burned against Moses.”
Yikes! We doubt God’s strength when we question our own ability to succeed at what he has called us to do.
God makes us adequate. [Exodus 3, 4]
Decision
These were a few of the questions and themes that ran through my head in December.
How did I finally decide to become an Army Chaplain Candidate? I can’t really explain it. My heart ached, and somehow deep down I knew this is what I need to do. When I hit publish on that post, the weight lifted. The decision was ‘official’ and life looked a lot better.
Amy, I am a frequent reader and sometime commenter to your blog. I know from reading your blog and the newspapers you have been going through some tough times. the Lazy Susan, your grandfather’s passing, your husband deployed.
There is a term we all remember from our psychology classes—geographic solution. Meaning one way to deal with difficult issues is to run away…put distance between you and the problem. I have done it several times and while it may have been a short term solution, the difficulties still existed until I faced them head on.
It was relatively easy for a 20 year old kid like I was (this was 1969) to run away, I had no ties, no kids, no house payments, no debts, just living expenses and I lived cheap!
I worry about your two kids, having both Mom and Dad away. Daddy’s gone and now Mommy’s going too. Please, think this one over. To my semi-professional eye, your blog seems to indicate that you may be clinically depressed. (After all that has happened to you in the past six months–you have had a lot on your plate.) If you have a close relationship with your MD or OBGYN person, talk to them, see if they can recommend a good counselor to visit with.
Please don’t rush into anything. If you have the call to be a chaplain, and it is a true call, it will still be there in 6 months.
You have been in my thoughts and prayers.
Your friend via the internet
Jim
Comment by Jim Lee — January 6, 2006 @ 11:56 pm
Jim,
I appreciate your comments. And will consider them.
However, I’m not sure you know as much about our situation as you think. Your concern for my children indicates that. Perhaps you don’t understand the Chaplain Candidate process. I have to go to seminary for at least 4 years before I can become a chaplain.
I planned on attending AGTS next fall way before any of our troubles started. My decision to join the Army changes six weeks in our previously plannned schedule.
My children will not be without a parent any time in the next 5 years at the least. Even after that it is very unlikely that both of us would be deployed at the same time.
We are going to be living with my husband again in less than a week. And I will only go to Army training when he is able to be home with the kids.
In the fall, I’ll be taking classes while my children are in school or when my husband can be with them.
As to running away: The easiest way to run away from our problems would be to move from Springfield. What you called a geographic solution. That is not what I’m doing.
Choosing to attend AGTS places our family in Springfield for at least 5 years. That’s not running away, that’s committing to stay.
I have never ran away from a problem. I have definitely had the opportunity to run away from this one, but I’m not.
We are going to South Carolina until my husband is done with his Army training. This isn’t so we can leave Springfield, it is so my children can be with their father and so we can save money by not living in two places.
Again, I appreciate your concern. I know a person shouldn’t make major life decisions right after a crisis. I haven’t signed the dotted line with the Army yet. I’m just taking the necessary steps to prepare for that. Applying for grad school, applying for ministerial credentials etc. It’s a long process. As you said, if my call is true, it will be there in six months… no harm in getting things in order before then. If I wait to start the process six months from now, I won’t be able to start taking classes until 2007.
Comment by Amy — January 7, 2006 @ 12:37 am
As for the question of being adequate, remember:
“It takes no faith to go no farther than a mans eyes can see.”
When a person only does what he knows he is capable of doing, that is faith in himself, not in God. When we step out and do things we don’t know how to do for God, that is faith that God will show us the way. Four years ago, your mother and I had to decide wether to do what God was telling us and do something we had no idea how to do or take the safe route and get a “secure job”. The decision to go with Gods lead has led to one of the greatest blessings in our lives. God will always bless your decision to follow him.
Love you and will support you in what ever you decide.
Comment by Jack — January 7, 2006 @ 9:11 am
Thanks Dad. I always remember that quote.
Comment by Amy — January 7, 2006 @ 9:23 am
Amy:
I have watched you go through all of the stuff this last year, with amazing grace and trust in God. Yes, you had your bad days, but I knew you would make it, I never doubted that. I am so proud of you for making this amazing life choice. I hope that if I ever have to make that kind of choice I will do it with as much thought, prayer, and guts as you have done.
About the clinically depressed thing, you aren’t. Unless you are hiding it really, really well. After all, I talk to you almost everyday, and one of your closest friends is a professional counselor. you would have to be hiding it really well! I was clinically depressed last year around this time, and we all know how that went. You are okay. You are an amazing woman, and I count myself blessed to be your friend along this journey.
Comment by Hillery — January 7, 2006 @ 3:28 pm
Amy,
Thanks for your reply.
Good luck in your endeavors!
I didn’t know process to become a chaplain.
Please understand I was not passing judgement on your decisions,
but wanting you to explore all the options, as you obviously have done.
I know you only from reading your blog and I feel that I know you, as much as aperson can from reading a blog.
I made a major life decision in 2002 that didn’t turn out as planned. It took my wife and I 4 years to get back on our feet, but we did it and we are better off than we were in 2000. I know that you and your husband have the same grit and drive my wife and I have. I also know that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. I believe that you and your family will make it through to the good side. Good luck and hard work go hand in hand.
Good luck and God speed!
Jim
Comment by Jim — January 7, 2006 @ 3:44 pm
Thanks Jim,
I know you weren’t passing judgement. I appreciate your concern.
Obviously I left some information out of my blog. I talk to a lot of
my readers in person so I forget to clarify some things for everyone
else.
I definitely understand why you think I could be depressed. Life has been challenging lately! And my blog has been more dramatic than it used to be.
Don’t worry, I have a lot of great friends supporting me and two of my
good friends are professional counselors. I’m sure they’ll watch out for us.
Thanks again Jim
Comment by Amy — January 7, 2006 @ 3:49 pm
Wow. That was some interesting reading. Thanks. I just have to smile. So often your blog could have been written by me! T
Comment by Patti N — August 26, 2006 @ 1:52 pm