Have you ever been stalked by a scripture? A certain verse seems to be following me around a lot lately. Last semester, 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 was quoted to me so many times it became almost comical. Every book, every class, every sermon, even random emails would daily quote to me,

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

I started to think that perhaps 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 had become the new Romans 8:28.

I did feel weak last semester. But I didn’t want to admit that. I tried to pretend to be strong… mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

By January, I had grown tired of pretending. I knew that I needed strength from God to get through the weeks ahead. I was at Chaplain Officer Basic at Fort Jackson, Joel was preparing for a year long deployment to Afghanistan, my children were in Texas, I was enrolled as a full time student at AGTS.

I needed strength.

And Joy. I really needed joy. Tomorrow overwhelmed me. But the Joy of the Lord is my strength! Right? I definitely needed joy…

I read Ephesians 5:18. It encourages us to be continually filled with the Holy Spirit. Several of my friends were praying just that for me. That I would be re-filled with the Holy Spirit.

Patti gave me a copy of her sermon on the baptism of the Holy Spirit. I shoved the pages in my ruck sack on the way to the field. Sitting on a dark, crowded bus with 35 pound ruck sacks on our laps, my squad leader and I read her words with a flash light. Later that morning I crouched in front of the bus and used the headlight to read. I read and re-read her sermon over the next few days, returning the pages to her in a sad, tattered state. Her sermon talked about joy. So did the one by John Piper that I accidentally stumbled upon.

On Wednesday we went to the confidence course. I had a blast. I also hurt myself pretty badly. Though I didn’t know it at the time. By Saturday I was in a lot of pain.

January 29th
On Monday I broke down and went to sick call. While I waited for my my ride, I noticed a young woman in the waiting room. She was six weeks pregnant and still in basic training. They were supposed to send her home the next day. They should have done so three weeks earlier. Meanwhile, she was showing signs of miscarriage and had not been receiving the care she needed. She was scared. I got to talk to her a while, hopefully offering some comfort. It was good. I knew that I was exactly where I needed to be, doing what I was meant to do.

After class that evening, I was worn out, exhausted by the pain. Too tired to even take off my uniform, I went to Patti’s room and crashed on her couch. I napped and prayed there while she went to a meeting.

I had went forward for prayer on Sunday at church. I wondered why God hadn’t healed me. It really did hurt. I thought,

“God can heal but sometimes his best is not that, sometimes his best is uncomfortable.”

I remembered the soldier I had ministered to earlier that day. I wouldn’t have been at sick call if it weren’t for the injury.

I praise God for the bruised liver [that's what we thought was wrong with me] because of the good that came from it.

Then I heard, “You can praise me for a bruised liver… can you praise me for bruised pride? Bruised credit? Broken heart? A year of deployment…

Yeh… I can Lord.
I was sick and broken and about to pass out on Patti’s couch and I answered, “Yes, Lord I can.”

Then, as sick as I was, there was peace.

Peace.

It wasn’t the emotional refilling that I expected, or the joy that I had hoped for. But Peace.

That night I wrote,

“What I had hoped for in being refilled was Joy. And from Joy… Strength. But what I got was the strength to surrender. To surrender to being weak.”

“For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

—
Relevant Posts:
January 29th
February 1st