This isn’t the first time I’ve written a post with this title… it’s not even the second time.
Sometimes I go days without writing because all I can really think to say is, “I miss him.”
Yesterday was especially difficult. The video he sent made me miss him more… the lyrics hurt. She sings,
“Everything that I do
Reminds me of you
And the clothes you left
they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you”
I know that’s a silly line. But it hurts because nothing in this place smells like him. Nothing. He has been gone so long. It seems this apartment never was his home. That makes me miss him more.
I asked Joel to mail me something of his that smells like him. A pillowcase maybe. But he’s waiting to mail it with a disk of him reading a story to the kids… and that is delayed because the chaplain in charge of the project is busy… busy with fallen comrade services.
It seems so surreal to know that my children are waiting longer for a surprise gift from their Daddy because soldiers keep dying.
After watching the video yesterday, I took a nap. And dreamed of Joel. He somehow had gotten permission to sleep here at night even though he worked in Afghanistan by day… yes I know that’s insane. But really it makes more sense than most of my dreams lately. Anyway, he was sleeping here and I was happy to at least get to be by him. But then I woke up and realized that I will not hold him for around 237 more days. [But who's counting.] That number sometimes overwhelms me. Nothing anyone can say will make that better, will make that number shrink any faster. Words don’t help. Don’t feel you have to try.
So I packed the kids in the car and went on an adventure, trying to brighten our day. Our favorite radio station was parked outside our credit union giving away free hot dogs and drinks. Of course we had to partake in Free Food Friday. While we were there, a gentleman saw Jeremiah’s Army shirt and asked me if he had any family in the Army. When I told him that Joel and I are both in the Army and that my husband is deployed… he made a great point to tell me thank you. I brushed his gratitude away with a smile and a “thanks.” He repeated himself and then another credit union employee said the same. I don’t really know how to reply to such things.
Normally when someone says, “thank you” I respond with, “you’re welcome” or “no problem.” Those responses don’t seem appropriate in this situation though. “You’re welcome” sounds cliché and “no problem” is dishonest. So I say thanks back. Meaning thank you for saying thank you… which is a weak reply really. At least it is the way I deliver it. I need to think of a more appropriate answer. Not that people say thanks often… which is why it throws me off when someone does.
I’m still working on a good honest reply… Maybe something that says, we’re happy to do it, or I’m proud of him. I don’t know.
Anyway, with the video and the dream and so many people asking about Joel and looking so pained when I said how long he’d be gone… it just was too much yesterday. I miss him.
He called earlier today and I actually got to talk to him for almost 20 minutes. I love to hear his voice. I don’t hear it often enough. I always look forward to Saturday mornings when he calls… and then it hurts so much to hang up, knowing I won’t hear his voice again for at least another week. I tried to chat with him later today. But it was nearly midnight there and time for another fallen comrade service. Again, so surreal… No, so Real. My conversation with my husband cut short because yet another man died.
War. How real is it to you?
I miss you too!!
FYI, your count is off; maybe you did that on purpose; OPSEC and all
Love ya!!!
Comment by Joel — June 23, 2007 @ 3:12 pm
I said AROUND 237 more days.
Comment by Amy — June 23, 2007 @ 4:03 pm
So I guess you didn’t like my suggestion for a reply to thank you…holding out your hat to accept donations to express their appreciation?
I know I’ve told you before, but I do really appreciate your and Joel’s service.
Comment by Rachel — June 23, 2007 @ 6:32 pm
Dear Amy,
I felt your pain today and my heart is temporarily breaking. I wish yours was just temporary, too. I know I can’t make you feel better but I had to take a minute and let you know how your blog impacted me.
You made the war real to me today. For at least a short while, I sense some of the reality and pain of you, the soldiers and family whose lives will never be the same, and I wept. Well, I keep weeping. I can’t imagine being able to suffer so well if I was in the same shoes as you. I know that God gives us grace for whatever circumstances we find ourselves in but without His grace, I kinda think I’d be in a heap on the floor.
Now that I am over the initial wave of grieving with YOU (”I know, lucky ME!” she said wryly) , I can’t help thinking of your precious children. You are a gifted woman of faith, who knows God well enough to trust Him, and you have a wonderful capacity to think things through along with the gift of articulation so that you can share your thoughts very well.
While I know that your children are blessed to have you (and your gifts) to help them through it, I imagine there are a lot of things they just can’t even bring up because they’re not aware of them or can’t understand them or speak well enough to share them…
…as I finished that sentence, I heard that still small voice telling me that He has provided grace for them, too…and I am weeping now for the joy that knowledge brings. What an awesome God we have, Who has made such provision…and in due time, I have no doubt!
I pray for you that as You press in to Him, He will fill you to overflowing, Amy! Whatever you have need of! Hmmm…perhaps He already has! If so, I’d like to say that I’m not surprised…but I always am!
By the way…I think that “Thanks” is an appropriate response. “Thank you for your kindness”, “Thank you for saying so” and “I appreciate that” are also good ones that come to mind.
You’re absolutely right…people don’t say, “Thanks” enough…and since I’ve never said it to you before, I’ll say it now…
Thank you for the sacrifices that you and your husband have chosen to make in order to protect our United States and to minister to those who are serving alongside you! I also thank you for saying, “Yes!” to God especially because you knew that it would cost you a lot! Thank you for sharing your thoughts in these blogs which, you may need to be reminded, ministers to others in so many ways! Last, thank you for being real because that’s the only way that others can relate to you and learn from you.
Oh…and since I know your typical response…you’re welcome!
May God bless…and keep…you, your husband and your children!
Keep looking up!
Susan
Comment by Susan in Sparta — June 23, 2007 @ 7:43 pm
Thank you Susan. I appreciate your kind words.
It is hard. But God is good.
And he does give me grace… even when I do find myself “in a heap on the floor.”
Psalm 121:2
“My help comes from the Lord,
who made heaven and earth.”
Comment by Amy — June 23, 2007 @ 8:12 pm
Thanks Rachel. You’re too funny.
Comment by Amy — June 23, 2007 @ 8:13 pm
War. How real is it to you?
You, Joel, and the kids are probably the most real part of this war for me. I read your blogs, pray for you both, and can’t wait until the two of you are together again. I am so thankful for your service and sacrifice.
Comment by Marti — June 23, 2007 @ 10:04 pm
Amy,
My heart broke for you as I read this. I am so sorry. I wish I had words that would encourage you, or that I was close enough to stop by and sit and talk with you a while, or watch your children for you. All I can say is I will continue to lift you up in prayer.
Thank you for sharing your heart, for asking us to think how real this war is to us because it causes me to think I need to be on my knees a whole lot more.
Thank you for the many ways you have ministered to my heart. I wish I could take away your pain.
Love,
Laura
Comment by Laura — June 23, 2007 @ 11:31 pm
I wouldn’t know what to say either.
Just like I don’t know what I could say right now that would really change anything or help.
But we love you.
(((((hugs))))))
for Amy.
Comment by genet — June 24, 2007 @ 1:09 am
I know that when I thank any troop or their family members, I am happy to hear any of those responses … or just to see a smile. And to know that I’ve given one person even one more drop of positive energy is amazing, because it recharges me.
Can’t say it to you all often enough, though… so Thank You
{Hugs}
Comment by Barb — June 24, 2007 @ 12:35 pm
Amy,
Your post on this war was both touching and…SO real. There are several of my congregants who have family members over in Iraq, and it is painful to see the expressions on their faces when they talk about how much they miss their loved ones. I hurt for them as well, but can’t begin to even know the pain they feel when they hear of the mounting toll of our young men and women who have lost their lives overseas.
I am thankful that you and Joel have accepted the call to help serve our country in the military; it is a tough duty, but it makes one proud to knwo that there are still people who remember our freedoms…and the price we have had to pay for those freedoms.
As one military vet to another…thank you for helping preserve those freedoms, and may God bless you, Joel and your beautiful kids.
Anchors aweigh! (for those Navy guys and gals out there); or HOOAH to you, as my Army buddy Matt would have said so eloquently.
Comment by Richard — June 25, 2007 @ 10:00 am
Amy Jo, I know there are no words I can say to ease your pain. I won’t try. I remember hearing this story once, “Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman’s yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, ‘Nothing, I just helped him cry.’” Know that I am always here to cry with you, for you, and in your place when you don’t have the strength. I love and appreciate you and Joel so very much; my dear, dear friends.
Comment by Nicole — June 25, 2007 @ 1:37 pm
What a touching blog!!!!!!!!!! I do say thank you for the sacrifice you and your whole family have to deal with. How sad that Joel could not record the book on cd for the kids because of death that needs to have a stop put to it. I wish i lived by you so i could watch your kids for you at times and just get to know you and them. Just last night my husband was talking about next week being mixed up because he will be off wednesday and he will have to work friday. He usually works 4 10 hour days and because of the holiday he has to work friday and will have to be there at 2:30 am and i just hate that, last time he did that i did not sleep good after he left, i kept hearing things and when i did sleep i had crazy dreams. I need to be more thankful for what i do have than to complain when something is changed. Thank you again from the bottom of my heart my love and prayers are with you!!!!!!!!!
Comment by Karen — June 25, 2007 @ 3:02 pm
How real is war to me? I have co-workers serving in Iraq and Afghanistan and once a month I use my monthly blow money to buy items for their care packages. It isn’t much, $10 – $15 is all I allot myself for the month. That isn’t very real.
What I can relate to, what is very real is a spouse that is away. My DH went to New Orleans for 7 months when the kids were 2 and 4. I had to sit in his chair on Sundays because if I sat on the couch and looked at his empty chair I would burst into tears.
My DH leaves July 7 for 5 months (if all goes well) for a job in Wyoming. It is so much worse this time because I know how hard it is going to be.
There are moments when I have flashbacks to the grief and sorrow of the first time he left. Through your paper on anticipatory grief I learned that what I experienced was not abnormal. I know it was geared for military families but I want to say thank you for publishing that. I figured I was just being selfish and weak but now know that one can grieve for a spouse who is alive and working hard away from home.
Thank you for the service of your entire family. I’ll pray the time goes quickly until you are reunited.
Comment by Beth — June 26, 2007 @ 9:10 am
Thank you to everyone for their kind encouraging words.
Comment by Amy — June 26, 2007 @ 9:19 am