During a recent conversation with Rachel, I quoted the lyrics to Bethany Dillon’s song Hallelujah.

“Hallelujah, hallelujah Whatever’s in front of me
Help me to sing hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever’s in front of me I’ll choose to sing hallelujah“

She said to me, “I’m glad He helps us to sing it, because, really, it’s hard sometimes. Some of the “whatevers” are hard.”

I agreed, “Some ‘whatevers’ are hard. Oh but He’s good.”

Then I told her, “Rachel, I’m in one of my most feared “whatevers” right now.”

When tomorrow looked bleak
Joel is doing a 10 day series on his blog, describing the events that led up to our restaurant closing two years ago. His posts have led me to look back at my own writings from that time.

Joel’s Post:
The Last Days of the Lazy Susan - Part 1

On October 28th, 2005 I wrote:
Words Hurt
We’re Home

My emails reveal a woman scared of tomorrow.

That day I wrote to Kelly Godzwa:

“Pray, Pray, Pray for our restaurant. We are within about a week from closing. We have to find an investor or buyer ASAP. This is huge. Crazy money huge. Plus Joel leaves for Army officer training in South Carolina this Sunday morning. On list to be deployed to Iraq after he graduates in February. Unless we go active duty and move to who knows where… Everything hinges on the next week.

Trying to trust God. Future looks bleak. Like we’ll be personally paying off restaurant debt forever. Nothing but God can pull us out of this mess… so please pray. Thanks.”

Whatever’s in front of me
I was scared and ashamed. I worried that the worst would happen. The worst being that the restaurant would close, we’d have to pay off hundreds of thousands of dollars, and Joel would go to war.

And of course, two years later, that is exactly where we are.

I’ll choose to sing hallelujah
It’s true, I am in the middle of my most feared ‘whatever.” But God has helped me to sing. I told Rachel, “He’s just so good. I don’t feel defeated anymore. I don’t feel I have to grit my teeth to praise Him anyway… I’m not who I was.”

Most days come and go unnoticed. I study, go to class, take care of kids, talk to friends, sleep and repeat. Occasionally though, the moment seems surreal. I realize where I am. Where Joel is. What God has brought us through. What He’s still bringing us through. I praise God for this. For the pain, for the loss. We’ve gained so much because of it.

And so I think of another song, Another Hallelujah by Lincoln Brewster.

Now I just wanna say thank you to you.
You’ve pulled me from the miry clay.
You’ve given me a brand new day.
Now all that I can say is Hallelujah.