Earlier this week, I wrote about depression. This is a follow-up to that post.
—
I’ve noticed something about people who haven’t had to battle depression. They offer well meaning, useless advice. It doesn’t actually matter if their words contain wisdom or not… somehow any quickly offered simple solution only makes things worse. How could this be? Well, if you offer a seemingly obvious, simple solution to a problem someone has been struggling with for years… it’s offensive. It either insults their intelligence, suggests they don’t really want to get better, or underestimates the true nature of the problem.
This is true for a lot of different struggles, addictions, disorders and sins.
Here are some examples:
Telling someone dealing with depression:
“Decide to be happy.”
Telling someone plagued by an eating disorder:
“Eat more.” or “Stop throwing up.”
Telling someone tempted by self-harm:
“Stop cutting.”
Telling someone addicted to porn:
“Stop using the Internet.”
All of this ‘good’ advice can be boiled down to simply state, “stop it.” This doesn’t address the real root of the problem. It often just tries to sweep away the most offensive symptoms.
These useless bits of advice remind me of the “Psychologist” skit Bob Newhart did on MadTV.
Easy answers don’t get to the heart of the problem. So, if you’ve found yourself giving out such counsel…
STOP IT!
—-
This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t offer practical support. For example, a commenter recently told me to get my Vitamin D, Iron and Magnesium levels checked to help fight fatigue. A friend told me to call Military OneSource and get the six free counseling sessions that are available for service members and their families. This was helpful advice.
Admittedly, I’ve told a friend dealing with an eating disorder to “eat something… right now.” That wasn’t my only advice though, and I didn’t act as if it was the answer to the problem or a ticket to freedom.
So what’s the difference? I don’t know. Perhaps acknowledging the real nature of the battle. Oversimplification doesn’t solve anything. A porn addict’s problem isn’t the Internet. A cutter’s problem isn’t razor blades. Eating isn’t really the problem with people fighting an eating disorder. And a depressed person’s problem isn’t simply that they don’t act cheerful enough.
What do you think? Have you ever struggled with something and received advice that amounts to nothing more than “Stop it?” What advice was given? Did it help or make things worse? Please answer in the comments, and feel free to remain anonymous if you’re not yet comfortable talking about the issue. While you’re at it, please tell us what words actually helped.
—
In an upcoming post on this topic: Personal responsibility and God’s mercy.
I have struggled with depression for almost 20 years (I just turned 31). The worst ‘advice’ I’ve received was years ago when my aunt said: “If you were really a Christian, you wouldn’t feel depressed because God is all you need.” Uh, yeah, thanks for trivializing my issues and incorrectly judging my walk with God. On the flip side, one of my bosses was a devout Catholic and urged me to seek counseling (and medication if necessary) and told me that my aunt is full of hot air. He reasoned that a diabetic seeks help for their medical issues, and their disease doesn’t mean they aren’t close to God, so why shouldn’t someone who is depressed seek medical help? (He said it much more eloquently than I). Anyway, I agree with the advice to call Military OneSource - we have used them a couple times, and they don’t tell your command that you are dealing with depression. I found that a 3-month prescription for 20mg of Lexapro helped immensely. Since we moved to Kansas in 2006, the depression seems to have gone away, for now anyway. And without outside help. I didn’t mean to take over your blog, but I totally get what you are saying.
Comment by TSgt in Kansas — 8/3/2008 @ 11:32 am
If we never had depression or any other illness, why would we need God in the first place? I don’t go to church because I have it all together, I go to church because I’m messed up. Ya know? Great post. You are going to make an awesome Chaplain.
Comment by Debbie — 8/3/2008 @ 2:31 pm
You’re right on in stating that there’s almost always a deeper issue behind a person’s problem. I would estimate that 90% of the soldiers I counsel come in because of problems that are actually the symptom of the real issue. It’s amazing how quickly, at times, an objective listener can help a person struggling with whatever it is, find the root of the problem. For that reason, I always suggest someone seek out good trustworthy counseling as a first step.
Occasionally though, I find that there really isn’t any psychological, emotional or spiritual root of the problem. That’s usually when there is something physical causing the issue. In those cases, I have seen medications used to correct chemical imbalances do wonders. My only apprehension with such medications is when they are prescribed before any good and thorough counseling has been attempted. They can really mess someone up when there isn’t anything physically wrong in the first place.
It’s interesting that you should bring up “STOP IT.” I’m not sure if you’ve been to the phase of CH-BOLC when pastoral counseling is taught, but the chaplain who teaches it introduces the topic with that clip. Of course, that then causes about 2 weeks of everyone yelling “STOP IT” whenever an instructor asks what we would say to a soldier in X situation.
Anyway, I’m confident that God will see you through this trial (James 1:2-4)
Comment by Dave — 8/4/2008 @ 7:19 am
I can’t recall right now the flip advice that I’ve RECEIVED, so much as the helpless feeling I get when I’m the one in the presence of a friend who’s struggling or suffering, and what TO say. I used to opt for avoidance. (lame, I know.) I’ve learned that usually, more than anything, presence and listening is the best I can do, and nothing to scoff at in the perspective of the one I am present with. I’m not an addictions counselor (as just one example where a professional might be able to offer some usable advice), neither professionally trained, nor an amateur simplistically answering one. Hopefully, I’ve been able to gently suggest the professionals when professionals were warranted. But yeah. Hearing people spout off with simplistic answers to big-time personal struggles or suffering just makes you cringe! Advice probably isn’t in the cards for me to offer in such situations most of the time, but reminding my friend of their (the professionals) availability when they’re feeling alone and in the dark, and being present and faithful for them can be. Tough stuff, to be sure!
Comment by karla — 8/6/2008 @ 9:59 pm
While struggling with depression during my second pregnancy, and some other tough family issues, I was told this. “You need to pray through.” “You need to pray more.” “It is your husband’s fault because he doesn’t pray enough.”
What???? So is prayer a prescription? You pray X amount everyday to keep the dr. away? Prayer cures everything, just like that?
I did pray, Joey prayed, I begged God to let me stop crying and just laugh again! I don’t know why we had to go through that, or if we caused it, but we did make it. No thanks to those people. They were well meaning, but they hurt me deeply instead of helping.
One of the people that helped, did it very simply. She didn’t blame, she didn’t judge. She understood as well as she could, told me I was not crazy, supported rational decisions, and just listened. And listened. And listened.
Another friend sat and held my hand while I cried. She didn’t have to speak, but she was there. There to hold my hand when I felt like the world was spinning out of control. She came over every day after she was done with work, to make sure I ate dinner, and just to be there. Her presence in my life was invaluable then and now. I can never repay her for that true gift of love and friendship that she gave me that winter and spring.
My depression didn’t disappear one day, but it did lighten until I could smile and laugh again, and now I rarely find myself there, but if I do, I know who will hold my hand, and who NOT to call!
Comment by hillery — 8/7/2008 @ 10:07 am