My last post spoke of surrender. That’s a word that came up a lot while I was at officer basic. On the drive to Jackson, I heard Chris Tomlin’s song Made to Worship as if it were the first time.

“You and I were made to worship,
You and I are called to love,
You and I are forgiven and free.
When you and I embrace surrender,
You and I choose to believe,
You and I will see how we were meant to be”

Embrace Surrender
Those words flowed from the car speakers and gripped my stubborn heart. Embrace?

em·brace
1. To clasp or hold close with the arms, usually as an expression of affection.

I’m supposed to embrace surrender? What? How?

It’s a long post. Click here to read the rest.

I stood by the three horse carousel outside the gas station. Sarah pretended to ride as I thought about tomorrow and prayed.

“God why do we have to move? Springfield is home. I’ve lived there all of my adult life.”

A quiet answer: “I am your home.”

Three months ago I wrote this in my journal while reading Romans. I used the word “scared” three times and “fear” twice in only three lines of text.

I put the notebook aside and didn’t write in it again, until yesterday:

“Three months later God… I’m still scared. The debt, fear, uncertainty. They’re overwhelming. Uncertainty seems like an understatement.

Three months ago, I had no idea what difficulties lay between then and now.

We’ll be in South Carolina for another three months. I have no idea what happens after that.

What is this time in between? Purgatory? A park bench offering a moment of rest and a chance to catch my breath? Preparation? If so, let me not waste it. Two weeks have come and gone. Wasted? Let me not waste another day.”

“For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship.[a] And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children.”
- Romans 8:15-16

But I am fearful. I am scared. Scared of tomorrow. Scared of today. My heart aches with fear. Help me to trust you. Abba, Abba calm my trembling heart.

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” - Romans 8:38-39

“The one who trusts in him will never be put to shame.” - Romans 9:33

I avoided talking to someone because of fear and shame. I planned on packing up and moving out as soon as possible because of fear and shame. Unjustified fear and shame. I am God’s child. The spirit that lives in me is not a spirit of fear. I will trust in Christ and never be put to shame. I will not fear Man or Tomorrow.

-But I do. God help me.

The ache within me feels like it should spill out like Edmond’s hot dragon tears.

Here I sit, drowning in mediocrity and unfulfilled dreams. Occasionally a word or thought will give me hope and I’ll gasp for yet another breath. My eyes will open, my lungs will fill. And I’ll once again see the vision you placed in my heart. But then today soon washes over me. I spend time doing nothing. The cold waters of wasted time surround me. I begin to sink; ignoring what you have for me, becoming numb to the excitement I once had.